Austin

I have written, re-written, edited, deleted and written this post again.  I just can't seem to get it right but I also don't want to not post it. 

One year ago today, I was woken by the phone at 1:30am.  It was my friend and neighbor Nancy calling to tell me that her 17 year old nephew, Austin, had taken his life.

What?!?

We've known Austin since he was born.  He, Bradley and their friend Nathan were lifelong friends, we used to refer to them as "The Three Amigos".  They were all born within 5 weeks of each other.

Left to right: Sally & Austin, Me & Bradley, Kelly & Nathan

Left to right:  Austin, Bradley & Nathan

Austin & Nathan's parents are good friends of ours.  We've known them for more years than we've been married.  Our families have vacationed together, our kids have had plenty of sleepovers with each other.  We all live within a half mile radius of each other.  We have been "doing life" together for over 22 years.

It is impossible for me to truly convey how this impacted all of us.  It has been life changing. 

There are so many moments and details that are burned into my memory.  I've shed so many tears in the last year, I've prayed more, I've never felt so helpless and nothing has changed my perspective on what is really important in life more than this one tragedy.  We all feel this loss so deeply.  I loved Austin, I love his 3 brothers and his sister.  I love Nathan and his brother and sister.  I look at them just like they are my kids.  I have watched his family deal with the loss and I have felt completely helpless because there was nothing I could do to make it better.  Watching Bradley, as the realization of what happened sunk in, ripped my heart in two.  I would have given anything to spare him the pain. 

So here we are at the 1 year mark.  I feel like I have spent the last year holding my breath.  Hoping we would all make it past all of the "firsts".  Last Thursday would have been Austin's 18th birthday. I can't help but think of all of the things that should be happening in his life.  Things that are happening in Bradley's life.  Prom, getting ready to graduate high school, college searches, applications, acceptance letters, the list goes on.  As much as I wanted to think that things would be better after we hit that 1 year mark, I'm pretty sure not much will change.  We still don't have answers, the pain is still there, we still miss him and we don't understand why. 

I sat across from Sally at breakfast a few days ago wishing I had the right words.  Wishing I had answers.  Wishing I could take her pain away.  I feel so sad for my friend.  All I can do is pray and ask God to be everything to them that they need. 

I couldn't let this day go by without mentioning it.  I find myself thinking about it at the most random times. I have no idea what the next year holds but I can tell you this, God is in control. 

This song is a favorite of mine.  It took on new meaning a year ago.  I cannot hear it without thinking of Tom & Sally.  I know it has been one of Sally's go-to songs this past year.

The Hurt & The Healer by Mercy Me